Last night I couldn’t sleep properly. I had this sick feeling in the stomach and chest and a slight headache too. I had woken up in cold sweat at around 4am and struggled to get back to sleep. Earlier that evening, I had heard the news from my friend. Something had not gone according to plan for me. A plan gone badly wrong. More than a plan, it was an expectation, largely self created, which had come crashing down. Who was to be blamed? Was it me, for dreaming big and not acting enough? Or the circumstances? Or the invisible hand guiding my destiny perhaps. Well it was not the first time in life that I was facing disappointment. Then why was I not able to stomach it?
The mind is a funny creature. It will not rest till it finds the answer or rather plainly put a justification. It hardly matters to the mind if the analysis is correct or not. What matters is if the answer can buy it some momentary peace! So there I was lying in bed trying to buy my quota of peace tonight. Giving myself all sorts of explanations, justifications, theories to tell myself that it was ok that events unfolded as it did and its all a matter of chance or fate whatever one chooses to calls it. However ‘Accept reality’ sounds so good when preaching to others but it requires strength to truly embrace the same. I had read umpteen numbers of self help books, books on letting go but when it came to actually facing my fears, I was not ready to put what I learnt into practice. Why have I failed to learn life’s lessons? Is it because I am still not ready to accept the fact that I am not in total control of the events unfolding in my life? Why am I not able to see all the good things around me, the million blessings that I have and yet just focus on a single perceived failure? I was at a loss to understand my predicament. Was I pushing myself too hard? Or it could be trying to accept reality directly bypassing the phase of disbelief and anger?
Buddhists talk about Mindfulness. It is a state of complete awareness where I allow myself to be immersed in the present moment without any judgement. A state of absolute stillness of mind whereby we perceive the present moment as the only moment with us and embrace it totally. Everytime I have tried this I found myself moving towards a state of peace. I may not become the happiest person around by practicing this but it brings me a step closer to being at peace. Being at peace with myself and in harmony with those around me.
So here was life throwing one more of her challenges at me. I may be tempted to turn back and ask “Why me?” but Arthur Ashe’s famous retort always reminds me that life needs to be judged on the whole and not in parts. Life may not be fair, but it is not fair for all and thus in a way it is fair. I know I will learn to find my way around and be better prepared the next time disappointment comes around. After all, battles, victories and losses are all built in our lives to teach us something. And when the student is ready, the Teacher always appears.
1 comment:
Sir learning is never ending process, while reading those lines it reminded me that "In life lessons are repeated until learned" :)
Very pleased to read, it is quite old but I would love to read more of your writings in coming days.
Post a Comment